Being A Controversial Mom: My Pro-Choice

2/04/2014

Disclaimer:  This is a post based on my real life experience, my views and my feelings.  If you don't like it, don't read it.  Any and all negative comments will be removed.
Recently Cosmo put out an article "How Our Abortion Changed Our Relationship".  I 100% support this article.  Abortion is an extremely touche subject, hence the disclaimer at the top.  While the world would not like to acknowledge it, abortion can be the best option.  The Cosmo article features couples who through abortion changed and at times enriched their relationships.  Everyone has their own reasons for supporting those that are Pro-Choice and these are mine.

Let's back track about 10 years.  I was 19 years old and in a relationship from high school that was not healthy.  It was emotionally and at times psychically abusive.  There were many nights I cried myself to sleep only to find myself crying when I awoke the next day.  My relationship was not healthy but I stayed because I felt that it was all I deserved.  Each time I would take a break from it, I'd go back because I never felt loved like that...even if it was a negative love.

I was at work one day and I just knew that something was wrong.  I had an uneasy feeling in my gut.  During my lunch break I went out and bought a pregnancy test.  Stupidly I took the test back at the office and became so emotional that my boss said I could leave for the day.  I was pregnant.  I was pregnant and in a unhealthy, unstable relationship.  The first person I told was my dad.  He asked what I was going to do..."I don't know" was all I could muster.  At this point in time I was living with my mother.  I couldn't talk to her.  I knew that.  So I called my boyfriend.  I told him I needed to come over to his apartment so that we could talk.  I'm pretty sure he immediately knew what was up.

To be honest, I was surprised by his reaction.  Based on past experiences I expected something with malice intent behind it.  He was ironically supportive.  But he did have his opinion.  I had two options, keep the baby and get married or have an abortion.  Both options scared the living crap out of me.  I loved him but our back and forth nature and the intensity of our relationship was nothing I was ready to commit my life to or bring a child into.  The thought of an abortion scared me as well.  Did I want to give up my baby?  I needed to talk to a doctor.  For me at that point in time Planned Parenthood was that place.

The night before my appointment with the doctor to discuss my options my boyfriend and I had a horrible fight.  I went into that doctor appointment with bruises on my stomach and wrist.  I obviously attended that appointment alone.  He had gone from being supportive to the same destructive person I expected him to be.  When I arrived it was a stark office, nothing on the walls but a random poster about the reason I was there and a nurse who was quiet.  I sat in that waiting room for the doctor bouncing my leg out of anxiousness.  There were other couples there...I wasn't sure what they were there for exactly but I could only assume.  I felt some solice in knowing that I wasn't the only person going through this.  After about 15 minutes I was taken back to another stark room.  There was an ultrasound machine, a counter with a sink and a bed to lay on.  Moments before the doctor walked into the room I received a call from my boyfriend.  "I don't care what you do, but don't come back to me pregnant.  I won't support you or the child."

That one phone call changed the entire course of my appointment.  When the doctor and nurse came in they did an ultrasound.  I was approximately 7 weeks and 1 day.  I wasn't allowed to see the ultrasound.  I wasn't given a copy of it, even though I asked for it.  I was crying and the nurse stayed with me to talk about options.  I was scared and alone but she held my hand and said the most reassuring thing to me.  "I can see you are hurting, I've experienced this myself but I can read in your eyes you know that the right thing to do is not have this child.  You don't owe this to anyone but yourself and your happiness."  I just remember nodding my head and saying "Okay, thank you.  Let's make the appointment".  Turns out they had time to perform the procedure right then and there.  And then and there I made a decision to change my life forever.

I was in pain for about a week.  But the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain I experienced from my boyfriend.  He was harsh and mean.  He flip flopped telling me I made the wrong decision then the next time telling me he was proud of what I did.  Shortly after that we broke up...not for the last time but for that time.  To this day I look back at that moment and I know I did the right thing.  Not just for me but for that child.  Selfish or not, I stand by it.

Today, I have two daughters.  They are my world.  I love them more than anything I could possibly ever imagine in my life.  I wouldn't change a thing about how I got to where I am today or who I am today.  But I do occasionally look at them and wonder "would I still be here if I had chosen a different path then" and the answer is always no.  Had I continued that relationship and gotten married and had a baby with my ex, my life would not have brought me where I am today.  I am pro-choice.  I believe that there are so many different situations that play into a decision that can change your life so drastically.  Much like one of those Cosmo couples my relationship broke because of my abortion but because of that abortion I am the happiest I've ever been in my life ever.  Everyone has an opinion and I'm sure sharing this story will bring a few of those people out but regardless I am who I am.  I applaud the couples in that article for sharing their story.  They are inspiring and I'm glad that they put their voice out there to help anyone who might be in the same situation today like I was 10 years ago.

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15 comments

  1. This is very brave of you. Very honest post.

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  2. Love this post. It's not black and white, it's very very grey.

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  3. Great post, I believe that women should have the choice to decide what they do with their bodies. I don't think most women who have abortions take their decisions to do so lightly. I've never had an abortion nor have I been in a situation where I've even had to consider it but I'm glad that it is a legal option available to women.

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    1. I agree with you 100% thanks for the support!

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  4. You are so amazing and brave to tell your story. You opening up about it was very courageous. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. I'm glad it's being received so well!

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  5. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Being vulnerable and honest is such a refreshing change to see online. :)

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  6. Wonderful post, Penny. I'm thankful that women have the choice and that I had the option when I needed it, too. It is refreshing to hear women speak openly about their decisions. Bravo!

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    1. thanks Danielle! I agree with you 100%

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  7. You are very brave to post about this. I hope that you are not getting negative feedback from what must have been a scary decision to make.

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    1. as you can see all the feedback has been great which is exactly what I was hoping for!

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  8. Hi, Penny. Sorry I am late to the party in reading this post. I second the above posters in that you are so, so brave, and I admire you for it. Thank you for sharing your experience and daring to "go there." I am so glad our "bloggy" paths have crossed.

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