I feel like I’ve come full circle with my children. Not necessarily in the way that you might think though. I’ve mentioned before in previous posts that when I was about 19 I was in an unhealthy relationship that lead to an unplanned pregnancy. I decided at a young age and in that unhealthy relationship that it was not the best time in my life to have or raise a child. Not with my partner, not without proper support. Everyone makes these decisions differently but for me, in that moment of time, I made the correct choice for myself, my now ex and that baby.

I can never say that I regret the decision. I don’t regret it. It’s what I needed to do. However, there isn’t a day that didn’t go by until I had Caleb that I had a gigantic hole in my heart. That hole isn’t completely closed but it’s healed to a point where there isn’t pain and sadness anymore. You see, somehow even at 9 weeks pregnant with that unborn baby I knew it was a baby boy. A baby boy that would light up every part of my being. I never got to meet him. I never even got to keep the sonogram image from the day. I literally had nothing to remember but my memory and my heart.

Yes, I have two beautiful girls that give my heart breath but I’ve never felt complete, never felt whole, never felt like life had come full circle until I laid eyes on Caleb. And I don’t mean laid eyes on him the day he was born, but the day I my husband handed me a little piece of paper with an image on it that said “It’s A Boy!” in that doctors office, just us. My husband jokes about how there was a 15 second delay on my reaction but really in my head and heart I was squealing with absolutely happiness and it took me a minute to process that it had happened. I’d come full circle. I could now be the best mom possible to this little baby boy that I couldn’t have been back then.

I’ve been lucky enough that after making a decision to not be a mom at 19 years old that at 30 I’m now a mother to three incredibly gorgeous and amazing children. Not everyone is as lucky as me. Some make that decision and never have children again. Some never get to come full circle but I’ve been that lucky and consider myself blessed every single day.

They say that when you have multiple children there is always a favorite. It can be not so subtle to completely obvious. I’d say in our home it’s pretty obvious and for apparent reasons. The girls are in fact David’s favorite, they are daddy’s girls and he loves every bit of that, and I love seeing it. But for me it’s become blatantly obvious that Caleb makes my world go round. Again, I have no love lost for my girls but I love Caleb double, if not triple because I feel I have two babies in him. Two hearts to love, two parts of my life completely intertwined and complete.

Life has funny ways of giving you what you need when you need it most. I fought David on having a 3rd child. I was content with two beautiful girls that I loved but after months of negotiating and telling me we won’t look back in 10-15 years and say “damn why did we have that third kid” but “why didn’t we try?”, that I decided to go for it and I’ve never been more thrilled with that decision. A decision that like one made so many years ago had brought me to where I am today. Content. Happy. In love and full of love in my heart. It really is a circle of life. Literally, full circle in the best and most amazing way.