Disclaimer: This is a post based on my real life experience, my views and my feelings. If you don't like it, don't read it. Any and all negative comments will be removed.
I have to admit, I've been a little nervous to write this post but the only person I'm probably making nervous in posting it is myself. I've spent every day of the last year and three months being a SAHM and the past 26 months of my life being a mother, there hasn't been many times in that period that I've been without my children and them without me. Recently though I've had to start thinking of writing a will and what all goes into that, this process has weighed heavy on me but I'd like to share some of my thoughts on what I've gone through in doing our will.
Firstly, my husband and I must agree on everything, from who controls the money for the girls to who gets them should something ever happen to us at the same time and all the things in between. Here are some of the topics that I've put heavy thought into:
1. Living Wills: These can be touchy because you might change your mind later in life but for the most part my husband and I stay on the same page for this. Should we ever been in a place where there's no chance we will wake up or it is painful to keep us alive our wishes are to not be placed on life support. My husband has a DNR however I do not, this is probably our only thought difference on Living Wills, I believe that if I can be saved and given life again I want the help.
2. Guardianship: In the event that something happens to both David and I at the same time we had to make a decision on where the girls and with whom the girls would be raised. We did actually have a little bit of a hard time with this...both sets of our parents are both in their 60's and while I hope nothing happens in the immediate future I couldn't sleep well leaving that responsibility on those who had already raised children. We considered other younger family members like my brother-in-law and his wife but David and I did settle on his cousins who live in Mississippi. They already have 2 children of their own who are a little older and we know they would be well equip to care for the girls and give them everything they could need from hugs and kisses to a good education.
3. Financial: This one can be a doosey, leaving your money and possessions in the hands of someone else can be a little scary, what if they don't do the right thing or what if they don't want the responsibility. We have decided to place that with a close family member, someone we both believe will make financial decisions only in the girls best interests. I highly recommend picking someone with a good financial background of their own, if you go with a gambler chances are that they will gamble what you place in their hands.
4. To Bury or Cremate: This has two parts to it. First, you should check with your family members and find out what their plans are. Did you parents buy you a burial plot? Do you know what they want for themselves? All of these things can affect how you make your decisions for whether to buy a burial plot or where to be buried/cremated. Second, you have to make your own decisions on what you want for your afterlife, thankfully David and I are on the same page of being cremated. I don't know what it is about being buried but the thought that possibly bugs could crawl through me freaks me out. I'd much rather be cremated and kept somewhere, whether it be a memorial wall or in a box for my girls or my ashes spread I haven't made that final decision just yet. There's also a new thing where you can be cremated and your ashes turned into diamonds...that would be interesting, knowing that I could give myself back to my girls that way, maybe in a necklace for them to wear or a diamond for their engagement ring but it also has some strange qualities to it as well.
These are just a couple of the many things to consider while preparing for a life when you aren't around anymore. This whole process has dragged up some hard feelings for me but it is something that has to be done to protect the girls. I never want to think of a time with David and I won't be there for them but reality is that time goes on and eventually they will be without us, all I can do is make it the easiest process on this end for them since the emotional will be difficult.
Have you created your will? How did you go about it? Did you use LegalZoom or a Lawyer? Any advice for those going through this process is always appreciated and I just might take some of it myself.
When we found out that we were expecting Hannah, one of the first things we did was look for a dog. I remember thinking "if we can't raise a dog together, we can't raise a baby"...David and I both agreed that we loved Pit Bulls and that's the dog that we wanted. One day randomly I emailed about 20 people from Craigslist with puppies, the first lady to respond lived in WV and had a quote "rescue", the picture of the puppy she sent us wasn't exactly the best but we took a leap of faith and road out to view the pups. Almost instantly David knew that he wanted the pup that is now our Whiskey girl! She's still the best $45 either one of us has probably ever spent.
Fast forward about 2 years and we find out we're expecting Savannah, again why not have 2 dogs for 2 kids? David desperately needed another male type animal in the house and I can't blame him, he was surrounded by females both human and animal (5 if you count my old Pomeranian who now resides with my mom). This time we went through a rescue called Bully Paws Rescue and we found our baby blue boy Titan! In fact it was amazing the reaction from our home visit volunteer for Bully Paws "we are so thrilled that you all are adding a Pit Bull while expecting another baby, you all are setting the perfect example of a loving and caring family for both your girls and Pit Bulls!"...I was really touched that someone said that.
A lot of people gave us issues when we got Whiskey before Hannah came, statements like "pits and babies don't mix" or "aren't you worried for your child's safety"...ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS I thought! Over the 3 years that we've had Whiskey and now 1 year with Titan I trust these dogs with my girls more than I do most humans! No one takes into consideration that both of these dogs have been raised with our girls from birth, they are loyal and sweet, caring and compassionate and so patient with our kids it's almost unbelievable.
Did you know that Pit Bulls were actually bred to be one of the most obedient and loyal breeds out there? Back in the older years (my husband could probably tell you exactly when) bull fighters used to use Bull Dogs in sport to pin down large bulls in the ring but over time the trainers noticed that the Bull Dogs were turning on them. They decided to breed the Bull Dog with the traditional family pet the Terrier. Once they did this they had the "Pit Bull" this breed never turned on their owner becoming essential in the sport.
Next you had the Europeans who brought the Pit Bull over with him becoming the first real cowboys in our society, the dogs provided not just companionship but safety and protection. Over time cowboys created the best breed, they didn't have time if a dog turned on them, immediately it would be put down, essentially only the best of the breed survived. As the dogs got older the cowboys would leave the dogs with their wives and children when they went on long distance trips. This is how Pit Bulls became the "Nanny Dog"! The wives and mothers were in charge of so many other activities around the house that they would leave the children with the Pit Bulls to watch them as guardians. This baby-sitting could last 5 minutes to several hours and no one blinked twice, children in fact were safer because the dogs could protect and guide the children and even were play toys for their miniature owners. They also were not owned by the lower class as history might suggest, in fact they were owned by many more of the middle to upper class families of our time.
Now whenever some says to me that I'm crazy for owning two Pits with my two girls in the house I tell them "how many times has your Chihuahua bit your kid" or "how many times has your cat scratched your kid"...dumb breeds dumb. The simple fact is that what I call "My Breed" the Pit Bull is widely misunderstood. Yes, there are bad dogs out there but there's bad dogs in every breed not just Pits. I take huge offense to anyone who bashes or talks down about my dogs because my dogs are to me just as much as my children part of our family. They are the best dogs I've ever owned and I wouldn't trade them for any other breed. Does no one remember "Petey" from Little Rascals? Yeah folks, that was a PIT BULL!
Each family needs to do their own research on what breed will work best for them and their children, Pit Bulls just happen to be the best damn breed for me and my family! I will close this off by saying I won't bully you or your dog, whatever breed that might be if you don't bully my breed...educate yourself, investigate what you are talking about and learn the history of an animal before you banish it because of ignorance.
This is a topic that's not really near and dear to my heart but one that's very personal and very serious for me. During my 1st pregnancy with Hannah I had several complications including but not limited to High Blood Pressure, Placenta Previa and Pre-Eclampsia. Some if not all of these complications led to weekly doctor visits with many ultra-sounds (this was the only perk, getting to see my baby constantly) and countless hours to and from labor and delivery for monitoring. There was one point during my pregnancy that I thought Hannah was going to be born WAY to early and of course like any new mother it terrified me.
When I went in for my induction based on Pre-Eclampsia and HBP I honestly believed that I would probably end up delivering her via Cesarean but it still shocked me in the moment after 18 hours of labor when the doctor suggested it. I was so scared and tried so hard not to let it show but as soon as we hit that operating room to deliver my baby girl I was a wreck and poor David did the best that he could to soothe me. After my delivery I noticed almost instantly that something was wrong but I refrained from saying anything...I wasn't pregnant anymore, it wasn't about me anymore, it was about this beautiful baby girl whom by the way I loved more than my own life but something in me was wrong.
Probably two months into being at home with Hannah my issues got worse, I was in what I thought was a state of depression, I picked fights with just about everyone I could, if I didn't get sleep I got very agitated and down right mean. Again, I tried to just push through it and do the best that I could and things did get a little better when I went back to work but when I was let go and got a new job it definitely got bad, my anxiety attacks were worse and this time I knew I needed to see a doctor.
I made an appointment with my OB/GYN they said "oh, this is normal, have you tried talking to a psychiatrist?" I couldn't even ponder making that kind of appointment, wasn't there just some magic pill to make it go away and how was I ever going to find the time to talk to yet another person or make yet another doctor's appointment? I asked about Xanax or Valium but my doctors said it was too habit forming so they would only do an anti-depressant, reluctantly I agreed. Well that lasted about 5 days before my attacks were worse than ever and I was constantly flying off the handle, so I called my doctor and I said I wasn't taking it anymore. About this time they had me come in and just run some blood work and make sure it wasn't a Thyroid issue. Turns out I was pregnant with Savannah! I had some of the same complications with Savannah that I did with Hannah so again I was constantly monitored and carted in and out of L&D.
For me this meant that from the moment of Hannah's birth until I found out I was pregnant with Savannah my postpartum issues were never addressed, never corrected, medicated or helped. I refused to take anything to help during my pregnancy because of all the possible side effects to the baby. During my pregnancy I continued to have attacks but they were slightly more far and few between because I was now a full-time SAHM and didn't have a commute or work to stress me out additionally. But after Savannah's birth (my 2nd Cesarean) everything came flooding back to me, I think it was probably 3 or 4 weeks postpartum with both girls at home that I had an emotional breakdown. I mean I lost it. David came home to find me curled up in a ball just crying on the couch, he had been getting frantic calls from me all day, I just couldn't deal. He did his best to soothe me but he pushed for me to talk to my doctor again, and just like before they said they wouldn't give me anything for the anxiety only the depression.
About 2 months after that I went to a new doctor closer to where we lived and it was honestly the best thing I ever did. I calmly talked with her about my attacks, what was happening, what I was feeling in those moments and what I thought that I needed...she agreed with me 100% "I don't believe you need to address the depression because I don't believe you are depressed, I believe you are dealing with Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) not Postpartum Depression (PPD)". This was the first time I felt like someone understood what I was dealing with, she talked with me about her prescription of Xanax and how she would only do an allotted amount to see how I would react. Should I be in need of something stronger we could address it then but for now this was the correct option to help me in the moment when I felt an attack.
Since working with my doctor and taking my new medication I would say probably 6 times in the last 2 months I've needed my prescription, it's amazing how much it helps me calm and center in that moment of chaos in my head. I'm so thankful that finally someone was able to give me the help that I needed.
Medication is not for everyone, this is purely my story and what I needed to help me, some people might do better talking to a psychiatrist but for this moment in my life this does the trick for me and it works well enough that I don't think anything needs to change. PPD & PPA are not made up, they are real, the feelings and reactions from them are very real and most people do not understand what they are dealing with until they talk to a doctor so I encourage every mom new or veteran to talk to their doctor if these things are affecting them, holding it inside and trying to figure it out on your own is not the best method, trust me I've been there. I hope this helps at least one person understand what's going on with someone in their lives and if it's your wife definitely give all the support you can...I know that was the 2nd best medicine I got from my husband.
